Sunday, 9 March 2008

The Lovebug


Hello everyone. I have had so much time to sit and think this weekend, I found myself wandering around In the past, somewhere that was both exhilirating and devastating at the same time! lol.  If you, yourself pause, for a moment, and think back to your first love, Do you smile? or get that warm, and fuzzy feeling? Do you remember thinking, this is the real thing? The word Love is such a small word for such a huge meaning! lol.

Thinking back to mine, I remember feeling like a demented stalker, unable to think clearly or focus. I could feel my tummy churn like a washing machine on fast spin and that was just when I heard his name mentioned!. It was an obsession like no other. It was never straight forward In my world, not like the other's round about me. I was different.

I wasn't considered part of a group. An outsider In a small town that didn't accept newcomer's and quite obviously never would, and yet, there I was, completely smitten, head over heels In love. I was a secret. I was young and nieve. I played neil diamond's album The Jazz Singer over and over, secretly wishing, I wasn't a secret, that I could shout It from the rooftops. I was a girlfriend and I was so happy, It had It's downside though, It made me feel physically sick whenever I tried to kiss!!. lol.  Not the most romantic scene for a kiss, with me having to either head to the nearest toilet, or try to get some water!! lol.

I plodded on until the Lovebug bit me once again, knowing this time was for keeps, didn't stop me from  wondering for long enough, what If? but "If" never happened. It wasn't meant to be. When I heard the fateful words that he was getting married,  I was quietly hauled back to my past, It was right there and then, that a full stop had been placed against us forever. 

I have so many mixed feelings looking back. I am older and wiser and very content with my lot.  It doesn't stop me pausing to remember or finding myself caught up In a dream where my memories can still run free. It IS better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. Take Care, Back Soon.


preciousone25 said...

My first love was a forbidden love (well, forbidden by my parents... LOL!!).  We stayed together 2 years, then when I decided to break up, he went to tell my parents that we'd been together all that time.  Turns out my parents were right about him, though.... he's in prison now!!


cayasm said...

Great entry Pam, thanks for sharing,one thing though.... Neil mind you I was totally hooked on Donny Osmond, he's so naff

Take care


jeadie05 said...

Oh I loved the jazz singer ,My daughters and sister in law and neices and I  went to see it at the pictures the night before I went into hospital to have a hystectomy Jan xx

lv2trnscrb said...

gosh, sadly, I'm trying to remember my first love and having trouble remembering (that's what happens when you turn 50, LOL, your memory goes)

but I agree, it is better to have loved and lost than never to experience the wonderful emotions of being in love :)


breakaway1968 said...

Oh I so agree with you.  Your experience sounds a little like mine!  I was in high school and fell in love with my best friends brother of all people!  I suppose that's pretty common but it was so hard to see him after he broke up with me.  And yes, having to hear he was getting married!  oh that killed me...knowing it was never going to be now.  He still to this day puts a smile on my face as he treated me like gold!  He was 18 I was 14 but he was always respectful of me.  He is related to my sisters husband so I still see him to this day and in fact he brought his wolf over for me to see a few weeks back.  It gives me a little pleasure knowing his wife is not the nicest person! lol  I know!!!! That is awful!  BUT i hope he knows what he gave up!  I would never want to change any of my life tho as I love my kids and It I hadn't married my husband I would never of had them.  :)  I sure did "get" this entry tho!!!  It is better to have loved and lost then to have never of loved at all!  

adonnainparis said...

Sometimes I don't think I've ever been in love.  I did have relationships, and I even got married.  But it seemed like I always went for the first person I thought would have me.  I never had that magical feeling of being in love.  I just had the feeling of "I'm comfortable with this person."  

And it never lasted, so I don't know if I really loved them.  Love means thinking more of the other person's needs than your own.  And I don't know if I've ever been together enough to do that.  

Just like right now.  I have no desire to be in a romantic relationship.  I just don't feel like I'm capable of giving love to a man.  I feel that I'm in a place in my life where I need to focus on myself and Colton. (My little boy.)  I don't think I'm mentally healthy enough to be in a relationship, and would probably end up in a terribly dysfunctional one if I did get into one.

andrewfrnd said...

I remember my first love very well. You are very right when you say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Andy xxx

specialadyfink said...

You touched my heart with one ever forgets their first love... the one you wanted more than any other,sadly that first loves usually come to an end -one way or another-we move on -but NEVER forget.......

jmoqueen said...

To be honest with you I don't remember my first love and if it was my ex well I don't think of him fondly lol..........I guess there is something out there just waiting for me to feel this thing they call 'love' :o)  That's not to say I don't daydream that I'm in love with the best looking bloke on the planet and he loves me back lol


wwfbison said...

Your entry surely made me think ~ I didn't marry my first love.  I could have we were together 8 years, I was pretty young and he was considerably older.  I left him, heartbroken, for a sauve, gorgeous stud who I DID marry and who broke my heart into a billion pieces taking me years to recover.  Looking back I have nothing but wonderful memories with my first love, I only regret I hurt him so badly but fate paid me back in spades I guess. I am happy with my husband and I love him dearly...did I have those same butterflies and giddiness, no...but it was a friendship I cherished that turned into a true love.  If that makes any sense at all.

plieck30 said...

Nice entry. I've found that when you want someone sooo bad and are sooo in love and finally get that person it isn't always as great as you thought it was going to be. Paula

shrbrisc said...

I needed to hear this thank you , I will miss you..

lanurseprn said...

I is better to have loved and lost. I can't count how many times I have done just that! But as the song says "I could have missed the pain, but then I would have missed the dance!"
Very thought provoking entry.

chat2missie said...

I didn't marry my high school sweetheart, (thank goodness) but the relationship I had with him, prepared me for what I have now with my husband.  We knew the first time we saw each other that we would get married to one another.

cvgflydis said...

Wow......The comments (and I'm one of those that reads them occasionally) are pretty interesting. You provoked all reading to remember, or at least TRY to.

First Love......let's see.....which one~only kidding......I still talk with my first love. So glad we never married, too!
Sadly, TRUE love never hit me until I gave birth. Lots of fond memories from those years. I still have every love letter he'd given me over the years too. Funny thing, is we went to a Freshman Prom......and got together our senior year to go to that Prom together, as well. So, my photo's of that time are kinda neat. How much he and I changed over 4 years.

Had to laugh at your demented stalker comment. I SO get that. LM BEHIND OFF


mortonlake said...

no  funny  remarks  from  me  pam.          you   have written  a  lovely  entry,   one  which  brought  back  a  lot  of  painful  memories  to  me.          and    yet.       a  hell of a lot  of  lovely  ones  too.        i  got  dirty  grin  on  gob  now  lol                 oh  heck,i  cant  keep   down  too  long  lol               take  care lovely,   mort  xxx

jjdolfin9 said...

Thanks for sending me the link to your blog.  I love this entry.  How would you like to get an email from your first love saying simply "Want to catch up on the last 40 years?"  That happened to me about 5 years ago.  We have corresponded ever since.  Too bad he's married (cause I'm not) Grin.  Anyway, I completely understand what you are saying.
Hugs to you, Joyce